Links

Please see these other sites for Spencer...

http://spencerstribute.blogspot.com and http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/spenceraaroncole

Another Bad Day!!!

(The bulk of this is from Last night...I have been in my apartment since Friday night and I am actually ok with the idea of it itself and getting used to it being so quiet.)

It's so amazing!!!

It's so amazing how self-centered some people can be, especially when it comes to talking about their newborn, even when they know you are grieving. Though, it came from this person and I have to say it didn't totally surprise me. She has been self-centered as long as I have known her, which was before her little girl was even thought of. I knew it was going to be hard to see her and her little baby today but then when she started making everyone focus on her and how hard her life had become and how her baby's father was going to come back and take the little girl from my "friend" (I use the word very loosely.) That's when it became basically unbearable. Luckily, I had my mom with me and she kept making eye contact with me and finally came up with a way to get me away from the table.

It's so amazing how just that little bit of time with her made me feel like I was going to explode into a fury of anger right there in front of all of my church family and this girl. Luckily, I was pulled away before I could do that and when I came back she was gone. I went to the bathroom and cried so hard. I cried because I felt like maybe I should just have a shirt made that says: "Please excuse me if I don't engage in your conversation about your baby but I just let mine go to heaven 3 weeks ago and I don't really feel ready to talk about babies right now."

It made me feel absolutely horrible for the rest of the day...so I sat in my apartment feeling horrible.

Oh well, I had to let my junk from today out somewhere.

Day 16!!!!

Well today is Day 16!!!

I thought today was going to be an absolutely horrible day considering the fact that I was so angry last night that I was afraid I was going to take out my frustrations and everything out on everyone around me. I thought that today I was gonna wake up and just want to go back to bed but it wasn't so bad.

I didn't, I got up and it was a pretty day out. I went outside and it was so pretty. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone who understood how I was feeling and wouldn't you know I got home and was online doing something and then my cell phone rang.

It was CINDY!!! YEP, that's right "Auntie" Cindy called me. 24 and a half minutes on the phone with her and I laughed harder than I had laughed in a while. It felt so good. Thanks Cindy!!! I love you!!!

I had an ok talk with my mom last night too. I'm going to start trying to be in my apartment tomorrow night and see how that goes and I will try to go back to work part time after training for a while and get back into my routine.

I have been spending my spare time working on a scrapbook for Cindy and practicing Crochet. It's actually been really fun and I think it's going to be a really good looking book when it's all done.

Anyway, I am going to go for now just thought I would let everyone know how I've been doing lately.

2 weeks!!!

Wow so hard to believe it's been two weeks already...it still feels like just yesterday I was holding him for the last time.

All I can say is that you don't realize how much one little life has an effect on people until the one little life is gone. After Spencer lost his life, the cards, emails and things started to flow. My fear is that the blog is not getting the readership that it did when he was alive. I can understand it but please know that it is taking a lot for me to come back and post on here more so please do not stop reading!!

Ok well I've said all that I want to say for now.

The Calm After The Storm

Well I don't know when the official calm after the storm will be but that's what I named this entry.

I named it that because when we went to let off the balloons yesterday it felt like that. The lake was so pretty and they went up as if Spencer was taking them the way he wanted them to go. It was bright and sunny but it was windy and a bit chilly. We sat out there and watched and watched until we couldn't see them anymore.

It didn't take the pain away but somehow someway for just a split second it made it feel a little better.

Anyway, I have finally gotten my parents to accept the fact that my visits to Minneapolis are not going to stop. There are just too many people here who were an intricate part of Spencer's and my life and Minneapolis was his whole life so I can't just turn my back on it.

Well I think I wrote enough for now.

Spencer's 4 month Birthday!!!!

Hey Everyone!!!!!

I am gonna throw Spencer a birthday party tomorrow!!!!!

We are gonna get a cake and stuff and have fun and then Wednesday we are going to take 4 balloons to Lake Calhoun and let them go.

Well talk to ya'll laterz.

Day -4 I think!!!

Well its actually the day that I have been dreading ever since Tuesday happened. I had said that I wanted to just sleep through it and then I remembered that I didn't because we weren't celebrating the fact that Spencer wasn't with us we were celebrating the time he did spend with us.

So how do I feel?? I don't know. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow if that's what you mean. I wish I could go back to when I still had my 3 month old little boy and we didn't have to deal with the depressing stuff.

Anyway, so I went out with some people from Minneapolis. It was so nice to get out and have some fun. Every time I think about the fact that I am having fun I feel guilty for doing it and then I have to have people tell me that it's ok to have fun because Spencer wouldn't want me to be sad all the time.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow and I probably will have to force myself to eat tomorrow just because I will be so sad. But everyone will be there. And I am going back to Minneapolis on Monday. Don't know when I will be back. That's the wonderful thing, I don't have to be back at a certain time or on a certain day. I am still on leave so I can make up my own schedule.

Well anyway, I just thought I would check in.